Look at the checklist of your assertive rights and complete the list with the ideas in the box.
I have the right to say no
I have the right to make decisions that suit me 1.01 without justifying them to others
I have the right to state my needs and express my point of view
I have the right to be myself, decide my own actions and 1.02 deal with the consequences
I have the right to get it wrong occasionally
I have the right 1.03 to change my mind
I have the right to not be expected 1.04 to know everything
I have the right to my own time
I have the right not to do things I am uncomfortable with
I have the right to be 1.05 happy
 
1. Do you officially have these rights in your workplace?
e.g. Is there a document that states Terms and Conditions? Is there an agreed code of behaviour?
2. Do you feel you have these rights in your workplace?
Even if the rights exist officially, do you feel your assertive rights are respected at work?
3. Do you feel you can’t say no to your boss?
This is often a big problem for people. It may depend on your culture as well. In some cultures it is almost impossible to say no to people in higher positions at work. In this case perhaps you need to look at different ways of saying ‘No’ without causing offence.

Example situation:

Perception:

Alternative perception:

You did not get the promotion you hoped for.

“I'm useless, no good and they know it.”

“I did my best. I'll ask for feedback, learn from the situation and move on.”
In example 1 the person sees saying ‘no’ as a confrontation situation. An argument is expected and they feel uncomfortable saying ‘no’. To avoid the uncomfortable argument they give in and say ‘yes’ instead. The outcome is that they lose their right to say ‘no’.

Situation     

Perception

Interpretation

Feelings

Behaviour

Outcome

1. Saying no

Confrontation

Argument

Uncomfortable

Say yes (passive)

Loss of rights

2. Saying no

Lose control

Soft touch

Angry

2.01 Refuse (aggressive)

Deny others rights

3. Saying no

2.02 Personal rights

Discussion

Confident

Say no (assertive)

2.03 Assert rights

This questionnaire asks you to consider your response in certain situations. It will help you to assess how assertive you are.

 

never

rarely

sometimes

often

always

3.01

Feel comfortable when confronting someone with a problem?

 

 

 

 

 

3.03

Speak up when you want to contribute at meetings?

 

 

 

 

 

3.04

Find it easy to ask a friend or colleague for a favour?

 

 

 

 

 

3.05

Admit that you don't understand when something is confusing?

 

 

 

 

 

3.06

Feel that you are as good and capable as most people?

 

 

 

 

 

3.07

Happily state your own opinion in front of others?

 

 

 

 

 

3.08

Feel confident in taking on extra responsibility?

 

 

 

 

 

3.09

Assume that you can get what you want?

 

 

 

 

 

3.10

Maintain eye contact when speaking with others?

 

 

 

 

 

3.11

Feel able to say 'no' to unreasonable requests?

 

 

 

 

 

3.12

Give praise to others when they have done well?

 

 

 

 

 

3.13

Feel able to accept criticism without taking it personally?

 

 

 

 

 

3.14

Remain in control in the face of aggression?

 

 

 

 

 

3.15

Acknowledge the views and opinions of others even if they differ from your own?

 

 

 

 

 

3.16

Feel comfortable in expressing how you feel or asking for what you want?

 

 

 

 

 

3.17

Feel able to apologise when you are in the wrong?

 

 

 

 

 

3.18

Mix easily at social events?

 

 

 

 

 
Look at those items where. These are situations where you tend to behave in a non-assertive way. Perhaps they highlight a problem in handling particular situations. Think about what you can do to become more assertive in these situations.

e.g.

3.13 If you selected never, rarely or sometimes:
The problem may be that you are too defensive and react badly to criticism because you feel threatened. Many people over-react to criticism and become angry. Learn to see criticism as a part of the learning process.
If however, criticism is personal and rude or aggressive, remain calm and suggest that the criticism is unfair and that you would be happy to discuss any problems in a professional way.
The benefits of becoming more assertive
Feel more at ease with yourself
More likely to get what you want
Increased confidence in handling difficult situations
Feel more valued as an individual
A greater ability to recognise manipulative, aggressive and submissive behaviours in others and respond to them effectively
Better able to handle confrontation
Feel more comfortable in giving and accepting praise
Greater confidence in giving personal opinions without the fear of affecting relationships
More likely to be taken seriously
Feel less stressed
Looking at the ideas expressed in checklist above, consider the benefits for you personally in becoming more assertive with colleagues, family, friends. Write them down.
Colleagues
Family
Friends
More productive
Better able to manage your time and therefore to help others manage theirs
Happier at work
More confident
Get noticed and be listened to because of increased efficiency
The same ideas apply at home as well as at work.

Respect is important in any relationship so being aggressive towards family members does not help anyone.

Being too passive and allowing family to dictate your life is not good for you or for your family.

 Similar to the ideas for the family. True friends will listen to your ideas and will not always insist on getting their own way.
In this lesson you have:
become more aware of your assertive rights
explored how listening to your own self talk can help you to become more assertive
considered how becoming more assertive can benefit you in many areas of your life
assessed how assertive you are now
The next e-m@il lesson continues the theme of assertiveness and looks at how improving communication skills can help us to become more assertive.