Assertiveness

In the previous lesson you looked at how stress can reduce your effectiveness at work and at home. Lack of assertiveness can often contribute to this. This lesson looks at the benefits of being more assertive at work and how you can express your feelings, attitudes and opinions clearly and firmly without affecting others or compromising your rights.


Look at the checklist of your assertive rights and complete the list with the ideas in the box.
Your assertive rights
I have the right to say no
I have the right to make decisions that suit me 1.01 _________________________
I have the right to state my needs and express my point of view
I have the right to be myself, decide my own actions and 1.02 _________________________
I have the right to get it wrong occasionally
I have the right 1.03 _________________________
I have the right to not be expected 1.04 _________________________
I have the right to my own time
I have the right not to do things I am uncomfortable with
I have the right to be 1.05 _________________________

happy             to know everything               without justifying them to others

to change my mind               deal with the consequences
  1. Do you officially have these rights in your workplace?
  2. Do you feel you have these rights in your workplace?
  3. Do you feel you can’t say no to your boss?
Self talk – how to listen to yourself and become more assertive
We all talk to ourselves. “I shouldn’t have done that”, “ I must learn to control my temper!”, “What am I going to do now?” – we’ve all said similar things to ourselves, silently, internally and we are influenced by that little voice in our heads. Our self talk can have a big effect on how we look at certain events. Look at the example below:

Complete the ideas below with one of these words in each gap.

useless                      feedback                   promotion

Example situation:

Perception:

Alternative perception:

You did not get the ____________ you hoped for.

“I'm ____________, no good and they know it.”

“I did my best. I'll ask for ____________, learn from the situation and move on.”
Look at the table and fill in the gaps from the ideas listed below.

Personal rights                     Refuse (aggressive)                          Assert rights
In example 1 the person sees saying ‘no’ as a confrontation situation. An argument is expected and they feel uncomfortable saying ‘no’. To avoid the uncomfortable argument they give in and say ‘yes’ instead. The outcome is that they lose their right to say ‘no’.

Situation     

Perception

Interpretation

Feelings

Behaviour

Outcome

1. Saying no

Confrontation

Argument

Uncomfortable

Say yes (passive)

Loss of rights

2. Saying no

Lose control

Soft touch #

Angry

2.01

Deny others rights

3. Saying no

2.02

Discussion

Confident

Say no (assertive)

2.03
# if you are seen as a soft touch, people think it is easy to get you to do whatever they want i.e. you will always back down and always agree.
Do you recognise these patterns. How do you react?
This questionnaire asks you to consider your response in certain situations. It will help you to assess how assertive you are.

 

never

rarely

sometimes

often

always

3.01

Feel comfortable when confronting someone with a problem?

 

 

 

 

 

3.03

Speak up when you want to contribute at meetings?

 

 

 

 

 

3.04

Find it easy to ask a friend or colleague for a favour?

 

 

 

 

 

3.05

Admit that you don't understand when something is confusing?

 

 

 

 

 

3.06

Feel that you are as good and capable as most people?

 

 

 

 

 

3.07

Happily state your own opinion in front of others?

 

 

 

 

 

3.08

Feel confident in taking on extra responsibility?

 

 

 

 

 

3.09

Assume that you can get what you want?

 

 

 

 

 

3.10

Maintain eye contact when speaking with others?

 

 

 

 

 

3.11

Feel able to say 'no' to unreasonable requests?

 

 

 

 

 

3.12

Give praise to others when they have done well?

 

 

 

 

 

3.13

Feel able to accept criticism without taking it personally?

 

 

 

 

 

3.14

Remain in control in the face of aggression?

 

 

 

 

 

3.15

Acknowledge the views and opinions of others even if they differ from your own?

 

 

 

 

 

3.16

Feel comfortable in expressing how you feel or asking for what you want?

 

 

 

 

 

3.17

Feel able to apologise when you are in the wrong?

 

 

 

 

 

3.18

Mix easily at social events?

 

 

 

 

 
Before you look at the feedback which interprets your answers, take some time to write a short summary of what you feel the questionnaire tells you about how assertive (or not) you are.

 

 

 

 
Now compare your ideas with those in the Feedback Section.

The benefits of becoming more assertive
Feel more at ease with yourself
More likely to get what you want
Increased confidence in handling difficult situations
Feel more valued as an individual
A greater ability to recognise manipulative, aggressive and submissive behaviours in others and respond to them effectively
Better able to handle confrontation
Feel more comfortable in giving and accepting praise
Greater confidence in giving personal opinions without the fear of affecting relationships
More likely to be taken seriously
Feel less stressed
Looking at the ideas expressed in checklist above, consider the benefits for you personally in becoming more assertive with colleagues, family, friends. Write them down.

Colleagues

Family

Friends

 

 

 

 

 

 
In this lesson you have:
become more aware of your assertive rights
explored how listening to your own self talk can help you to become more assertive
considered how becoming more assertive can benefit you in many areas of your life
assessed how assertive you are now
The next e-m@il lesson continues the theme of assertiveness and looks at how improving communication skills can help us to become more assertive.